Red Dead Something
by Grandpa's boy
Summary: Instead of the brave john Marston we've come to love in this retelling of the west, we follow a new hero. One that doesn't have his head in the right place.
1. Chapter 1

The train finally made it to the station, crowds of people coming in from the states to the north. There were some old ladies in frilly dresses and fellows in nice suits with bowl hats.

But the last one out was a man in a long trench coat, his revolver holstered at his side. No, it was not John Marston. He was with his family.

Nay. It was a different man in Black Water!

He took a deep breath and walked from the train to look at the long ocean carrying passengers. Then he felt someone tapping his shoulder. As he turned, he saw a young woman looking at him. "Could you hold my baby for a minute? I need to find something."

She handed her baby onto the stallion of a man, and looked through her little purse.

He looked down at the baby, who looked up at him. It was a baby. He threw it in the ocean. Only bubbles came up.

"Um... Excuse me?" The woman tapped his arm, he looked into her confused eyes. "Where is my baby?"

He shrugged. "He probably went to college or something." He walked away from the woman, his duster letting up in the wind like a bad ass.

Without simple delays, he recessed his priorities. He came to the west for a reason...

"Mr. Arny!" He heard his name from the lips of one of these two men who were coming towards him. These were the men he was suppose to meet.

"We've been waiting for you." The older man said.

Arny nodded as he listened to him.

"I'm Edgar Ross, I lead the investigation for each member of the Walton gang."

Arny nodded.

"This is my partner." He pointed to the middle aged man. "We've been here for a few months and now we got you to do the dirty work."

Arny nodded.

"So let's get you to a train down to Armadillo."

As they went to their car, revving it up to go, they saw Arny still stranding there. Still nodding. In understanding.

"Um... Mr. Arny?"

Arny nodded.

"God damn it..."

They rode down to the train to armadillo. It only took a few seconds. Edgar didn't want to get off his fat ass and walk.

Arny waved goodbye to them as the train took off to the small town Armadillo. The train ride, now, took awhile. The desert land was wild and animals were there.

Arny saw a rabbit eating a dead man! But the grizzly scene did nothing to our brave cowboy!

When he arrived, he saw the town wasn't as great as black water. Infact, there was no road. Just dirt. And little wooden buildings. Well, there was one big wooden building. And that was the bar. This was where hr had to meet his other guide.

He went inside and sought a certain fellow, but his eyes were caught on the piano player. Not the hookers, who he'll be coming back for. He stepped by the piano man and watched him hit every key to make that song he was playing.

There was some people playing cards but not dancing to such a bar tune

The piano man was a very focused man, so it seemed. Arny grabbed the back of the mans head and slammed his face into the piano keys. Some of them scattered to the floor.

"Well howdy, friend!" Arny looked to see some drunk guy. "You must be that guy I have to lead to bill." Oh. Its some drunk navigator.

"Now, partner! We better hit the road." He said with a bit of slur.

Arny sighed. "Okay."

They road through the road, the desert was a vast place that seemed to make beads of sweat go down Arny's forehead. The drunk navigator was licking his lips and drinking some booze he was hiding from his pocket.

"This is where Bill is. He owns the toughest gang and-"

"You led me to a pile of shit." Arny said, angry at the fact they were looking at crusty shit.

The navigator shrugged and let off a laugh. "What's the difference, son?" He let off another laugh.

Arny lit the old mans beard on fire, making the horse run fast and gallop till his drunken state made him fall off. The old man put his face in the floor, but it was too late.

"I should of brought a fan." Arny quipped.

He found his own way to Bill Williamson's place, the fort was a massive place. He walked the horse to the gates and saw some guns aimed at him. Each shining under the suns hot gaze.

Bill looked down at this macho man and spat on the ground. "I don't know who the hell you are, but your gonna end up with some holes in ya if you don't leave!"

Arny did not back down. "I'm not leaving. I'm here to put a bullet in your ass, and that's what I'm gonna do."

Inpatients took Bill over and he shot Arny in the chest. It staggered the man but it didn't kill him.

"What the hell?" Bill yelled. "How did you survive?!"

Arny had a smirk across his face. "Cheat codes."

Suddenly, he had an explosive shot gun in his hand and began firing it off at an unlimited pace. The forts walls exploded and let stone fly home to their rock people.

Arny pulled out some kind of semi automatic rifle and fired it off at his enemies. They rises from the rubble only to fall on the rubble.

Two semi automatic pistols were in his hands and he looked for Bill. The man was coughing the dust out from his mouth, giving him up to Arny.

Arny put his guns to the mans face and had his fingers on their triggers.

"Wait! Wait!" He said. "I'm not the Bill you want!"

"What do you mean?" Arny asked him, curios.

"I am a clone! The real Bill is in Mexico."

"Oh... Well..."

Arny ripped fake Bills beard off and shoved it in his mouth, kicking him down to the floor.

Arny said to him "now your just a man with some beard in his mouth."

He walked back to the town of armadillo.

Arny was in Bonnie's farm, the McFarlane ranch. As it turned out, they were having a party because the terror of bill Williamson (in Texas) was over.

Arny had some beer, and some steak. He was searching for something though, it was one of his goals to find now. It was also essential to a party.

"Excuse me, Mrs. McFarlane?" He spoke to the young woman.

She looked at him and saw the man who conquered bill. "Well howdy, mister. You must be that tall and handsome cowboy I've heard so much about! Nice to meet you."

"Yeah yeah. This is a party right?" Arny asked.

"Yes..."

"Then where are the hookers."

Bonnie looked at the man with dumbfounded eyes. Then, she slapped her own forehead. "Your right! Oh no! Daddy always told me to have hookers on the ready. Oh damn... What will I do!"

Arny knew how to solve her problem. He ripped off the hair band around her own hair and let it down free. He ripped her shirt open and also let the cleavage out.

Some of the other women looked at each other and did the same. Soon enough, they had some hookers in the party.

"Mr. Arny, your amazing! You saved the party!"

"What about me?" Said an overweight woman.

Arny picked her up and threw her at the barbecue. The food scattered along the dirt and so did the grill and barbecue stand. The fire had been put off with her entire body.

She stood up and ran home, crying.

"Oh. I thought she'd burn." Arny. He suddenly found himself watching her run away, looking at her ass as it went. "I never felt for such a woman."

He followed bonnie to her house, she had opened herself a little hand fan and was rushing the air to cool her off.

"Well, Mr. Arny. That was one fun party. I admire you and your ability to lead a great night."

Arny picked her up in his arms, and he went up the stairs. "I am a leader of many things. Tonight, I am leading my wiener to your vagina."

That night they had sex. Very hot sex. It was so hot that everyone heard "oh yeah! Stick the meat into my sandwich!"

Arny stepped outside and stood by his horse while he lit a cigarette. He looked at the people who lived in the small town, they were working hard. He even saw some men playing horse shoe.

Arny walked down the road and saw that his cigarette was almost done. Ash fell to the ground and let the cigarette fall with it.

After that, he walked out of town. Back to Armadillo.


	2. Chapter 2

Arny was walking into Armadillo, feeling a breeze through his underwear suit.

There great for when you have the diarea or want buttsex fast!

Well, he was walking on the street, his horse miles away. He went inside a store, where there was a good salesman.

"I'm Herbert Moon!" He shouted at Arny.

Arny nodded. "I'm Arny. I came to kill Bill Williamson and his friends."

"Are they Jews?" Herbert asked.

"I don't know..."

"Kill all the Jews!" Herbert Moon yelled. "Kill them all!"

Herbert Moon ran out of his shop, ripping his clothes off while yelling the same thing over and over. Arny shrugged it off and went to the sheriffs office.

"Damn it! I hate these phones!" The sheriff shouted as he pounded the contraption down. "Well. If its important they'll send someone down."

"They did." Arny stepped in, a rush of wind blowing open the door. He stood in the door way like a brave ranger!

"I need your help getting to Mexico."

The sheriff thought long and hard about those words. Scratching his chin and nodding. Then, he had a grin on his face.

"I might help you... If you can help me first."

Arny growled, but if he was as mighty as he appeared to be, then he could do this. "Fine. What is it?"

"Well, the bar lost its piano man. And there's a gang of thieves stealing from us."

"No problem." Arny walked off and went to solve these problems.

While he was gone, the sheriff got into a magazine and unzipped his pants and read the next issue of Cowgirl. Featuring Abigail Marston.

Arny walked to the bar, stepping inside to see the place filled with drinking people and hookers. Arny looked at the hookers with intent.

"Hi there, cowboy. Wanna go somewhere private?" Some blonde hooked said.

But Arny didn't want this girl to be ashamed of herself. So he threw her on a table in front of everyone, and undid her corset. Everyone watched as the two went to pound town and got all creamy.

When they were done, the hooker stood up and limped her way back to the couch.

Some of the other cowboys admired Arny's great love making skills. While other cowboys were outraged and jealous.

"We don't like your type makin' sex with our women!" Some chubby outlaw told him.

Arny stood up, and went chest to chest with this guy. He was a mean lookin man, with a slobbish tone to him. Arny head butted the man, grabbing his top hat and scrunching it up inside the slobs mouth.

Arny punched him repeatedly till he saw the top hat in his mouth had enough.

The outlaw coughed it all out, while his hat seemed to prop itself just fine.

Arny looked at the piano and saw it was still broke. The cracked piano pieces still had blood on them from the last guy.

"Ah, You must be the guy that'll get us a piano guy."

Arny sat the place on fire. Watching the wood burn as burning hookers and people came out. The hookers rubbed there chest and legs as they burned, while the others laid on the ground, burning alive.

The sheriff ran out of his office, his pants down and a creamy magazine in his hand. He looked at the burning saloon and ran like a peg legged crabs patient.

"What happened, Arny? Why is the saloon on fire!"

Arny shrugged. "I don't know. The bartender probably did it. He also set himself on fire, too. Look."

The bartender was rolling in the dirt, screaming as his body was consumed by the fire.

The sheriff sighed. That's the second saloon that was burned down by an idiot bartender. He shook his head and waddled back to his office.

Arny had another task at hand: the thief gang. He tracked the gang down in a hide out in the canyons. They were pondering there hands in gold while running in circles.

"Jews." Herbert moon whispered in his ear.

Arny grabbed Herbert Moon and lifted him up. He was above his head, and the naked old man was flailing his arms and legs.

"Don't whisper in my ear with your mustache touching me!" Arny hollered, throwing him down the canyon.

Herbert Moon fell on two thief's, killing the three of them.

The rest of the thieves looked up to see a man with his guns and in his one piece underwear.

They stood up and ran to their horses, jumping on the saddle and kicking them into speed.

Arny pulled out a sniper and aimed at them, a long distance seemed only to get longer. But the bullet got each and everyone of them, the money still in the canyon and not to be stolen ever again.

Arny rode into armadillo with the money, golden jewelry and paper money in giant sacks by his side arms. He returned a quarter of the money to the bank and kept the rest for himself.

"You did a good job, Arny." The sheriff remarked with a smile across his old bearded face.

Arny gave the sheriff a thumbs up. "That's what I do." And then shoved the thumb in the sheriffs mouth, piercing the top of his skull with his thumb.

The sheriff lied dead as his town went to chaos, the man Arny walking into the desert to find a way to Mexico.

.

He went to a grave yard, a place where there were dead people and churches.

Arny was giving his respects to one of the graves, the name on it read about some teacher.

Mrs. Firecrouch.

Taught a lot of things, and math isn't one of them.

Arny weaped one manly tear. He went around the place till hr saw some homeless man robbing a grave, getting all kinds of items from the pockets.

The muscular man studying this grave robbing hobo till the guy noticed that there was a shadow standing over him. He looked up at Arny, and saw the him staring.

"Can you dig me a way to mexico?" Arny asked him.

The hobo shook his head. "Nah, partner. I don't dig holes. I get in them." The dirty man began to snicker away, egnoring that Arny had a pistol in his hand.

"Okay, you necrophiliac. You help me to mexico or I'll bang your skull in."

The hobo gulped down his fear, and dragged himself up from the grave. He looked up at the pistol wielding cowboy. "I'm Seth." He then got pistol whipped.

"Bitch! Did I say you can talk?"

Seth groveled to Arny's leg, crawling to him like an animal. "Now, Seth. Your gonna dig me a way to Mexico and were gonna go our separate ways. You got me, slick?"

Seth nodded attentively.

He then commenced to dig through the grave he was robbing, mean while and old merchant came in. "I'm Nigel west Dickinson!" He introduced himself. "And I sell the best of medicine!"

"Do you sell weed?" Arny asked.

Nigel stuttered in his hesitation. "No."

"Crack?" Another no. "Cocaine?" A maybe... Nope. There's none of that either.

"Well, okay, Dick-in-son." Arny snarled.

Nigel gruffed and dusted himself up, only to get punched in the face and shoved in his caravan. Arny saw all the meth in the world stashed in the old pedo's caravan.

Well, don't knock it till you try it...

Arny did some meth, feeling the world around him melt. It was a beautiful and slow melting earth; the sand and dirt turned to a liquid as well as the dust. The grass became a shakes.

Bitches around him, everywhere. He flew up to a kingdom of hookers and bitches. There was a gold staircase with women getting it on. The place was awesome. And in this fortress of hookers and bitches, was a throne with golden boobs as the centerpiece of the top.

Arny sat on his rightful throne, and watched as the hookers all vanished. His palace gone. He was in a bed covered in blood, a chimp sitting on a chair, and some toy bear totally ripped up and used.

The stallion meth user looked at his one piece underwear on the ground, it was ripped open with blood smeared all over it.

"So... That's what happens when you do meth?"

He turned the light off and went to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

Arny was walking the desert again, a chimp in his hands as the only one not showing his ass. Yes, Arny was naked. Walking into a simple little swampy town, called thieves din or some shit. There were hookers and gambling. Who cares.

He walked by the whorehouse, a woman noticed him. She ran to his naked body and tapped his shoulder. "Excuse me sir?" He turned to see her. A hot little thing in a busty red jacket and a long pink skirt. "I understand you have no clothes. Why don't we go to my place and play with that Python of yours."

He nodded, the chimp still in his arms as the three of them went to the hookers house. After an hour of doggy style, the chimp sat in the chair smoking the hookers cigarette. Arny, however, put the woman's clothes on and left the house.

The chimp following him out the door.

They went to the bar, where a nasty looking man said "excuse me sir, why are you wearing a dress?" He seemed to be drunk, with the slur from his voice. Still right, but drunk.

"I am in a dress because I had sex with your mother and fed her my clothes."

The man got wide eyed and said "you son of a bitch!"

Then Arny slapped the man down to the floor, making him cry. He cried so loud that everyone awkwardly looked away from him. "Yes, cry like a little bitch. Like your mother did."

He walked over to the black jack table, the chimp sitting on the table. There was a load of shit on every chip and the table after he got off.

The gamblers threw their cards up yelled "god damn it! Who let a chimp in here!"

The chimp laughed at them and pointed its furry little finger. The shouting gambler got out his gun, aiming his gun at the monkey. It stopped laughing, looking at him.

"Go ahead." It spoke. "Pull the trigger. But on yourself."

The gamblers were amazed that the chimp could talk, let alone its psychic powers. The man blew his own brains out.

"Not only is there shit on the table, but also brains." Arny remarked as he picked up the chimp. They walked out of thieves landing and went through the road, a man in a dress and a talking chimp.

There was an old man picking flowers, looking for nice ones. Then he saw the two and perked his old gums up. "Excuse me! I was wondering if you could help me pick flowers!"

"How about you pick the flowers before you and shove them up your ass." The chimp commanded.

The man undid his pants and began picking flowers to do... Well, what the chimp told him to do.

They were walking down the road, silent with the exception of breathing. Then the chimp asked "human, what do you do for fun?"

He asked the chimp the same question. "Well, I masturbate. But what of you?"

"I use to masturbate for fun, too. Then I found hookers."

"Hookers?" The chimp seemed very curious about what a hooker was. Was it a type of owl you rub against, each thrust another who?

"There women who provide sex. For some money or just sex. I get the stuff for free."

The chimp nodded like a student and looked forward, seeing some woman walking down the road as well. She was old, just wandering the place. "Is she a hooker?"

"Let us find out!" Arny said as he ran towards the old woman, trampling over her. "Miss!" He asked like a gentleman, standing on top of her back. "Are you a hooker?" She was silent. He asked again, only to have a blubber of bubbles and some flagulence.

"Revolting." Arny walked off of her an onto the road.

They looked at a set of mountains, cause they had made it far enough to see mountains. "They look like giant tits with coke on top." The monkey stated. He tried to grab them, but he failed because of the distance.

Arny nodded. "Yes... Yes they do."

They made there way to a different armadillo, the place looking a bit like thieves landing but not enough hookers. The saloon looked like a poorly built lemon shop. That sold hookers. And beer.

"I forgot to burn this place down..." Arny said.

Some newspaper flew on his face, he dropped the chimp who landed on his two feet, and began trying to grab the newspaper. With each failing pinch, he decided to use his two hands and grab the thing, crumbling the pages. He threw it down and began shooting it with his revolver.

"Damn newspapers." The chimp said.

Arny felt a tugging at his dress. looking down, he saw a two little kids. "Sir, will you please teach us how to be cowboys?"

He nodded, handing the kid a rifle. "That's all you need, noe go shoot some people."

He walked away to some barn, where there were two men drowning another. "Irish! You drank all our booze!" One of them shouted in a French accent.

Arny stepped in, the two looking at a man holding some rifle while in a dress. A chimp draped around him too. "Look at this!" He said, elbowing his friend. The two began to stare at the man, shocked.

The French mans face was blown in, his whole face nothing more then a big hole. The scattered pieces fell every where, even on some horses ass.

The other tried to run away, and he did. Arny thought he'd let the guy go have some family, hot daughter and wife. Then swoop in and take the two. Yes...

"Oi, thank you laddy! I thought I'd be drowning in something awful there!" He said in a thick Irish accent. Then he puked all over Arny's long skirt.

Arny looked at the man, who only smiled like a bearded dog who drank a lot of whiskey and scotch. His tongue even wagged. "I'm suddenly regretting my choice to save you." The chimp jumped on Irishes face and began humping all of it off.

Arny gave him a thumbs up and walked out of the barn to check on that necrophiliac. He had dug a tunnel so far that made its way to Mexico and back. "There ya go, partner!" His panting voice said.

But Arny jumped on his back like he was a horse. "I need a ride there as well. Get on!" He commanded. He rode Seth all the way through the tunnel, kneeing him if necessary.

When they made it atop the tunnel and through to mexico, the two stopped. Arny got off of a slowly dying Seth and looked out to the Mexican ocean. A shining thing.

"Well, I guess I should reward you with a carrot." Arny said. Seth looked up at the carrot with longing eyes. Waiting to be fed. The carrot went through his eyes, jabbing each of them out.

Seth ran like a horse, blindly running away on all fours.

Walking into the desert, he wandered about tacos and burritos, nuns and Mexican hookers. And then the mission suddenly popped up in his mind: Bill Williamson. He was in a dress, being punched by Arny's hookers and bitches.

It was a glorious thought.


	4. Chapter 4

Arny was running out of the church, chasing some nuns who seemed to of given him graceful looks but weren't interested in some graceful plowing. "Damn nuns." Arny said. "The cover everything... They leave it all to the imagination."

Suddenly, a man rode up to him from his steed, Arny noticed this man had been following him some time as well. "Are you Arny B.D Somethin'?" The man with a scar acrossed his face asked.

"Who wants to know?" Arny asked, pulling his gun from under his long dress.

"I do, I'm John Marston. I hear you've been hunting down my gang and killing them. I'd like to help."

Before they could continue this convo, there was a chimp riding on the back of some Mexican hooker. She seemed to be sweating from quite a trip. But instead of those bouncing breast of hers, Arny noticed who this chimp was! "I thought I left you with Irish." He told the chimp.

But the chimp shrugged. Arny gestured him over, the two reunited at long last. John Marston nodded at the two, and said "I've been hunting Bill Williamson and this Mexican guy we used to run with. I figured you knew where he is?"

But before Arny could answer, the chimp did. "If I remembered correctly, Bill Williamson was with the general of the Mexican army."

John nodded. "What a smart chimp."

"I believe I was masturbating while looking at naked pics of your wife." The chimp said, jerking the air.

Marston only sneered "Let's just... Let's just go and kill bill."

Without even noticing they just mentioned the name of a movie, the three rode to the town of Escalara. Or whatever that big town is, I don't know.

There was a donkey and some Mexican man who was eating a taco. It must of been a good taco. Arny shot him in the face, chunks of taco flying from his lips. And Arny grabbed the taco from his dead hands. "This will be the first time I have had an actual taco." Arny commented, taking a bite out of the wrapped up meat.

"What do you mean, partner?" Marston asked curiously.

"The only tacos I had ever had were the tacos from women. As great and ungreat as that was, I never had myself a real taco. Women were always nice enough, but..."

"Why didn't you just tell these women to make you a taco?" Marston asked inquisitively.

"Because all they knew were how to give hand jobs. Well, except this one. Who thought I meant putting her hand up my-"

"She fisted you." The chimp said. "That is the word for it."

The two men sat in silence on their horses. Except for Arny's chewing of the taco, and the Donkey having sex with its dead master, it was relatively awkward and silent. "I think we need to go inside and see Bill." Marston told them, riding his horse into the town.

Arny looked back at the chimp and flipped him off. But the chimp crossed his arms and let Arny have what little dignity he had left after that reveal.

They rode into the town, looking at the people who stared back at them. They were very testing, testing on Arny's nerves. Why, if Arny hadn't gotten that all out earlier, he'd shoot all these people staring at him. But he just followed Marston, and the two made it to the generals house.

Inside, they were having quite the party. There was a guy checking out Arny, he was a thin Hispanic man in a uniform.

"Sir, I am a man in a dress." Arny told him. "I know..." The man replied.

Arny blushed and giggled, and said "oh I love a man in uniform!" And ran in the other room with him.

The chimp was surprised as well as Marston. Till the heard a gunshot and saw him come back in that same uniform, some buttons not being able to button.

"Arny... Did you kill that man?" Marston asked him. But Arny shrugged. "I needed a change. So I stole his clothes and shot him in the ass." Marston nodded and grasped his chin in understanding.

The Hispanic general came down the stairs, sword in hand, he yelled "what was that noise I heard!"

"I think it was a ghost." Arny told him. The general looked at him oddly, but also worriedly. "A ghost?" He asked. "That isn't good!"

"I don't know..." Army replied. "Ectoplasm might be great lube."

Marston and the chimp looked at him, surprised yet unsurprised by the statement.

"Really?" The fact he asked that astonished even Arny. "You know, I heard of hot ghost before. I bet lube and ghost bitches combined make a great combo."

With that, the Hispanic general ran to the shop to buy one of those ghost boards. Meanwhile, the three searched for bill. And that Mexican bro of Marston's.

The chimp went into the generals room, seeing two women in their underwear and having a pillow fight. They were very nice to look at. When they noticed him, they gazed at him as well. "Look at him!" One of the girls said. "Isn't he cute!" That's when he closed the door behind him.

Arny walked down the hallway, searching for a room or a sign that Bill was around here somewhere. Maybe it wasn't too far. But oh... that taco was making a spicy come back! It raddled his stomache, and seemed to be pushing down. Down where?

He ran to find the bathroom, but it was too late!

Meanwhile, John Marston was also searching for Bill and his Mexican bro. It was odd, knowing he'd have to kill the two. But it was for his family! No one comes in his house and bangs his wife, and then her tell him that they have a better thing then he does!

He would of slapped her, but he Doesn't do that kind of stuff. He slapped uncle, but the old man got turned on, showing a very viscous side while he melested Marston. It was messed up.

Never mind. He wanted to kill those two men, and then shoot uncle square in the face. And then? He was gonna tell Abigail that he was done!

Why wait? Why not just go find some hooker and have her for two nights.

Wait... Whats that smell? Oh dear god!

Without even noticing that his boot had been placed in some feces, John slipped down the hall way as if he had went down a slip and slide. He screamed "god damn it! I hate this day!"

When he slid into a room, he found himself knocking over a table full of chips and cards. "Damn it!" He heard a familiar voice cry. "I was about to win!"

But that's when he noticed the two. It was Bill! And that Mexican guy who was his bro. He pulled out his pistol, but they had theirs out first. "Well, well. Ain't it Mr. Marston." Bill said, laughing at the scarred face man.

"Well, well." Said yet another familiar voice. It was Arny! In a shit soaked pair of pants... Ugh. "Its down the crap covered road I find what I'm looking for." In his hands were two pistols. He came prepared. Well, sort of... He should of gotten another pair of pants...

"Now... Hold up!" Bill told him, but those guns weren't getting holstered for anyone. "We don't need to fight! We could... Give eachother money!"

But Arny shook his head cooly. "I only give money to hookers and milfs."

"John! You were like a brother to me!" Said the Mexican man who was like a bro to Marston. But more and more John thought about it... This Mexican prick was a deush bag! He was so slimy and vile...

John spat on himself. He was trying to spit on his Mexican bro, but he had forgot that he was on the floor. Syliva sat on his face, curing the scars of HIV viruses from Abigail's fun night.

Arny shot those two, and they finally lied dead on the ground. Whence that happened, the general came in with those agents that hired Arny. "You came late!" The general told him. "And you promised there'd be tits, but none of those things happened." When they saw the crap trail and the two bodies they froze.

"Èdios mios!" Or some Spanish crap like that. "What happened here!" He yelled, expecting an answer from one of them.

"There was a ghost." Arny told him. "The ghost was having butt sex and it killed these two out of lustful rage."

At this the general nodded. "What kinky ghost." He said, and then walked down the stairs.

The chimp came out of that one room he was in, wearing a bra over his head and his hand clenched in some panties. He walked down the hall and met the two agents. "Ah, the monkey with psychic powers..." With that remark, the chimp gave the agent a threatful stair. Yet, he continued down the path and climbed up on Arny's back.

"Good work, boys. You killed that Hispanic and that Bill. Your almost done."

Arny looked right into his eyes. Almost done? ALMOST DONE?! "Yeah, sure. Just make sure you pay me when I get... Whoever the last guy is."

"His name is Dutch. He's been hanging around Black Water. There's Indians there, too."

"Dutch?" Marston said, his lips quivering... With anger. "That's the guy I use to run with!"

"We know, Mr. Marston." The agent told him. "That's why you're here."

After that business, the three left mexico by train. Not before Arny got some new pants, stealing from the General, of coarse. That guy had some sexy pants...

During the ride back to Texas, they saw boring lands and stupid animals having sex. It would be soon that Arny would find Dutch and end his life. Or Marston will. Or the chimp will. Or maybe some random event will. Can't say that it be boring to see "super headline! Dutch drowns in animal crap! And was molested by bears! Also found alien life that probed him!"

That put a smile on Arny's face. Then again, he thought about that old nun at the church. Damn, did she have a nice praying ass!


	5. Chapter 5

Marston, the chimp, and Arny had made it to Black water, where the agents were waiting for them. Instead of thinking: how the hell did these guys get here so fast? They only asked "how do we find dutch?"

The agents handed Arny a file, it was about a man who was all scientific and stuff. "You'll need the help of the professor." The agents told him. "He can make some remedy or device that will aid you in the search for Dutch." And then they walked away.

The three went in the center of town, the saloon was right near, and so were the women. "Alright, Arny." John Marston said, forming a plan. "We'll split up. You talk to everyone in the saloon while I go and look at the shops. Your chimp will, I don't know, shit on the road." They split up, the chimp flipped Marston off and looked around the town.

Arny went inside the saloon, it was nice to be back in a saloon where there was plain English, and not "pendeho, gringo, I kill you Hombre!" And all that. It wasn't so bad down there, he thought. Though, he finally got an STD, but it was a Mexican STD. So... It was like a souvenir of his travel there.

He noticed the bartender had a big bottle of whiskey out already, and he grabbed the bottle up.

"Sir," the man said. "You have to pay for that." But Arny didn't listen. Because he saw there was a piano man... Playing some dumb ass song.

He walked over to the man playing the piano, who's fingers danced along the keys. "How about a drink?" Arny offered. "On you." He poured the bottle down on the man, who was shocked and appalled at the very action!

"How dare you sir!" He yelled. "I am a pianist! I am the best there is!"

"Yeah. You're on fire." Arny told him, lighting a match and burning the man and the piano. "Sweet Jesus!" The bartender screamed. "You killed the piano man! And set my bar on fire!" Then the bartender got some glass in his head as Army bashed the bottle of liquor on his head.

The people ram out as fast as they could, while Arny walked out of it. He was a calm man. And didn't screw around. That saloon burned up and crumbled. The piano man screaming incoherent gibberish. Don't know. His tongue must of burnt off. Arny got one hell of a kick from that as he began pointing and laughing at the man, who fell to the ground.

Stop drop and roll, kids. Or you'll stop and drop.

It was in that very moment that Marston came and found Arny rolling around laughing as he saw the burning saloon. "God damn it, Arny!" He yelled, waving his hands around. "I said search for the professor, not burn the saloon down!"

Arny got up and dusted himself. Shrugging as he looked into Johns angry eyes. "Oops! I guess I shouldn't of lit the piano man on fire!" He told Marston, who got even angrier.

Suddenly, the chimp came around. He was scratching his face and all derpy looking. There was even a hick up from his lips. "Chimp?"

The little animal just snickered and looked over the place. His eyes were... All goofy looking too. "Oh my god!" Arny yelled. "Where did you find weed?! I want some!"

The chimp lead them to a hotel, up the stairs, and knocked on the door. When the door widened slightly, there was a man looking at the three. "Eh..." He began. "Good day to you sirs! May I ask why... Your on my door step?"

"I heard you had weed. I want some weed." Arny told him. The British man opened the door and let them in. The place was filthy and had too many books and stuff. But there were also pipes and a bag that said flower. This man must be the professor!

"Sit right down, you two. I will have something for you in a minute." The professor told them, going to the other room.

Arny waited till he was gone, and went towards the flower, ripping it up and taking a huge snort of the white powder inside. "What the hell you doin'?" Marston asked him.

"I recognize the whiff of coke any where!" He told him, caking his face in that coke.

Once he had a good dose, Arny went crazy and started shooting the couch. Yelling stuff. The gun went click click, he pulled out a knife and began stabbing it. Marston had seen many things, but this was something else. He looked at the side of the couch where the chimp was. Stoned out of his gourd.

"I had enough of this shit." Marston walked to the other room to the other room, looking at the door to the professors room, and kicked it down. He caught the man masturbating on a deal of leafs!

"Ugh! God damn it all to hell!" He yelled, pulling out his pistol and shooting the professor.

He left that building and left Arny and the chimp.

Arny was clawing at the curtains with his knife, tearing them asunder as he heard them yelling at him. "You are not a man, Arnold B.D. you amount to nothing! The cob Webb's and the cum on the floor are more then you'll ever be!"

The curtain was torn down, the light piercing through the room. It was blinding, but Arny broke the glass with his bare hands, cutting his fist along the way. "I am more then cum, you curtainy mother Fukcker!" He yelled, running over the railing and falling to the ground outside.

It was some tough dirt. Especially after he began yelling again, his arms and legs flailing around, screaming "help me! I'm being consumed!" But all everyone else saw was a super drunk or high man flippin and floppin around on the ground.

The chimp, however, was having a blast. He felt so buzzed, he shat on the couch.

Fun times!

It had been hours after the two got really high, Arnynwas laying on the floor calmly while the chimp was finally awake and sober, climbing down the railing and getting to his dear friend.

It was late in the afternoon, around seven or something. At this time, everyone would go to the saloon but... Well. You know what happened. The hookers stand outside showing there stuff off while the booze and gambling is in some China mans house.

"Arny." The chimp said. Arny grumbled about some woman. Which wasn't abnormal. "Arny, wake up."

Shaken awake, the cowboy got up and looked at his chimp companion. "What the hell do you want, Chimp?"

In the chimps hairy hands were a deal of papers. Grasping the wrinkled pages with his hands, Arny found out it was a map! But to where? "Maybe we should ask the professor about this."

The got back up to the room and went inside that other room and found the professor dead. He probably died doing what he loved. Smoking and jerkin'. Oddly enough, there were many devices, especially a mechanical woman.

She wasn't the best looking woman, but she had all there was needed to be a woman. Some vagina and tits. Sure, it was a box head, but so were its breast. Hmm. Maybe just stick to what's down there.

He had sex to the machine woman, right in front of the chimp and the professors lifeless body. It was breath taking and disturbing. Yet the machine lit up and began making pleasure noises, screaming "yes! Yes!" Arny, too, was amazed. For it was like masturbating and your hand suddenly screaming with joy.

A disturbing notion, but go with it.

When Arny felt the satisfaction that was... Roughly made, he spoke to the machine, who was thankful for his kindness. "I am a sexbot." She confessed, though this much he knew. "I was created by the professor but never used. I felt ashamed, but then you came to me. And in me! You brought me to life, and I must thank you." She bowed to him, and looked into his handsome face.

"Its all good." He told her, caressing her cold metal skin. "It was fun." And just like that, she joined him and the chimp, rolling around in there travels.

Well, someone killed the professor and now the info was cold. But then an Indian man popped up infront of them!

"Wait, white man. I need your help."

Arny looked at him cautiously. He had no reason to, however. The last time he spoke to an Indian, the two went back to his tribe and smoked some hesh and danced around the fire.

"Speak, Mr..."

"Jerking squirrel." Okay. That may not be right. "Soaring wolf." That's it.

"How about I just call you Jerkin instead, okay?" Jerking Squirrel nodded, it was fair enough. White men would not comprehend such titles.

"Oh my love," the sexbot said. "I have not seen an Indian man before! How exciting!"

"I am having a dispute with my people. They do not like white men, they hate all that have come to our land. I wish for your assistance."

Arny scratched his chin inquisitively while thinking about this. It was a dire situation, if not at all odd. It sounded like a trap. That, or Jerking Squirrel was just desperate.

"Alright, Jerkin." He said. "I will help you."

The Indian man thanked him, and told him "once you have done this for me, I will give you information about the man you seek."

Oh... So this does lead to somewhere. Good.

The Sexbot, Chimp, And Arny followed the Indian to the forest, where there was an abandoned cabbon, left unfinished while this tribe of Indian men hovered around, staring at this rag tag group of chimp, man, and odd metal creature.

The native Americans were very angry looking, but had some nice long hair. Damn. They could be in an angry metal band. But they'd sing about shitting in the woods and praising the sun god or something. Relatable stuff.

Jerking squirrel was very nervous looking, gulping down his fears while he looked at his tribesman. Arny knew this was legit by the stutter Jerkin began with. "B-brothers... I have brought someone to settle our argument."

But these men got their guns out, and aimed them at their fellow tribesman and these three wierdos. "Go back, traitor!" They yelled. "White men deserve to die!"

"But what of white women?" They all looked st Arny, who seemed very calm. More so then usual. He had made lots of hand gestures for just that sentence. And more.

"What of them?" The Indians asked.

"Don't you like these women the white men have brought?"

There was a pause in this group of natives. "What about those tits and that shaven vagina? Isn't that better then wood lady vadge?"

The Indian men seemed to agree, nodding at one another as they heard such simple words.

"I slept with a red head." The angry native leader said. "She was crazy. But also very fun." The other Indian men nodded.

"They can stay, but the white men must leave."

But Arny shook his head, looking at these men. "But what about these new sex positions? The doggy style! The hand stand sex!"

"Hand stand sex is wonderful." Jerking squirrel said. And all the Indians agreed as well.

"But I don't like the way these women treat men once they are on top. They are dominant in their leather outfits."

Arny giggled and grined, remembering that one night he spent with a German girl. "That's with the German girls. All whip and gag."

"German girls are beautiful." One of the now calm Indians spoke. "Some caress my native sack." Suddenly, all t Indians were telling each other of how they agreed and such. Rather proudly, infact.

"I like being tied down!" The calm Indian leader yelled, crying tears while he let out his thoughts. "I like forceful women and leather. I enjoy getting punched in the face and stomach. I love bdsm!"

There was silence on the last bits, odd as they were. But later on, they all aplauded, and let out there deepest fantasies and crying together. Once they were done, the Indian leader wiped his tears away. "You have reminded us the joy of white women." He told Arny. "But we still hate white men. And we must kill you and Jerking squirrel."

"WHAT?!" Before Jerkin even had time to react to the leaders words, he had a bullet lodged in his skull and blood spitting on Sexbot, who's pink lovey eyes turned into red glowing beams.

"Kill the white man and his pet chimp and oven!" The Indian leader said. But his face met a hail of bullets, his head becoming nothing more then jello and brain goop. The others looked to see the Sexbot firing at them, yelling "no one will kill my hubby!"

Arny helped out as well, but it was mostly her, killing all these mean men who wanted to kill her first love. It was quite hot, frankly.

Her cold steel hands turned into barrels of mini guns, firing rounds of rounds as they heated up. These men didn't stand a chance against her.

The Indian men had never seen such a thing; she had boxey breast with pointy nipps, a mouth that wasn't were her voice came from, and a maid outfit. This was one odd fetish turned into a weapon and dealing some pretty harsh damage.

"Run!" Some of them said. "Screw the white man! I do not wish to die!" Arny had won the fight. Well, Sexbot did, anyway. When she noticed the enemies were gone, her original form came back and she rolled along to Arny.

"Oh, dearey! I was so afraid they'd take you away!" She told him, putting her arms around his torso. "But I stopped them! Let us embrace in these forest." She caressed his chest, and he did feel like banging the machine. He shrugged and the two went to pound town, the town Arny is most familiar with. And if cameras existed in this day and age, The chimp would film this and put it on the site called pornhub.

After that fiasco in the forest, the three returned to Blackwater and settled in the professors old room. They got the body out, of coarse. Threw him right out the broken window and let his rotting body out for everyone to see.

The three of them were cuddled in that bed together, because why not. But Arny realized something. "Damn it!" He hollered. "I still can't find where dutch is!"


End file.
